| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2008|04:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
so i came home for the aday game. i didnt tell anyone about it, because i needed the therapy of just being home. ian came too, more so to ensure i didnt attend any activities that i would have normally gone to a long time ago....sad.
i have had a hard week. this past week was leading up to spring break for us, and my kids worry me to death. i love them, but good LORD> quit worring so much. i told them, the next one who comes up and has a worry about where someone else is, what someone else is doing, etc, they will pull a card. its an all day ongoing relay race from me to their desks. i go home for the therapy aspect. ian says, does this really help you, coming home? i say yes. and it does. culture and different folks really make it nice to be home. i dont even mind traffic, as fort payne has none.
i have figured out a huge life issue for me that has up until recently been an issue i have dealt with. for all my life, i have had a "guy". not necessarily a guy to date, but this guy who was always around, my buddy, one that if i needed anything, i had it. no questions asked. it was there. it took me months to figure out why being here was so hard. that was the reason. i had no guy.
now, i dont mind giving that up, which i did do upon getting married. i dont think that you can have a guy like i always did and a husband. leads to more problems. it was just hard to come to that realization and know that wow, things really did change for me. i am ok with that, but still surprised.
we only have 5 more weeks until summer. june will fly by, as i am gone for the majority of the month to different events. busy lady. july will be spent getting my room ready for next year.
i have also learned that i need to spend more time in studying the bible. i mean, i can literally stay up for hours reading a book. but ask me the # of hours i spend reading the bible. 1. if that.
in order to grow close to God, i need to grow in his word first. so, that is my new thing. i have a new bible with a new translation i really enjoy, so i will read it....sometimes i wish i could go back and listen to wanell speak again, and realy listen close instead of screwing around and flirting with BW. i was such a shame to be around back then, good grief.
i think i did close for good the door to that situation too. i mena, it was entirely my fault for the way things did play out. he did exactly what he had to do, and i can not blame him at all. i sent an email a few months ago, asking not to reply to it, but to just read it and know how sorry i was for all the horrible things i ever did and said. and it was ALOT. i have kept everything. i wont throw any of it away. its hard to see some of it, just for memory sake, but its important. i found this old letter, about 5 pages long that was written to me. i kept it too. i sealed it and hid it away....
some days i really dont like the person i have turned into or am becoming. some days i am just proud to say i have gotten out of bed and dressed. other days, i am proud of who i am becoming. i think its a one day at a time thing. maybe maybe. i am far from the person i need to be. i need to be respectable. one day i hope i can achieve that.
oh another note i have been eating flax seed. i heard it was good for you. maybe it is. maybe not. i have this feeling deep inside, like i am still waiting forsomething. or maybe something is chasing me. its weird. i think i am just ready to be on a beach... :) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2008|11:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
its so weird how i used to be on this all the time, posting and letting folks in my life. a few years removed, maybe months, i dunno, feels like a lifetime, and i have changed so dramatically.
i am way more private than ever before. i mean, not to those that know me the best, but to most people, i am now. its sad really. like a part of me died, but really, you have to be totally seclusive to be a preachers wife. noone needs your opinions. that, and it makes you fit into a box where others judgeyou. now i am not one who cares about being judged. in fact, i can easily tell them all to screw a tree, BUT i have to be on guard for ian's ministry's sake. i have to be on good behavior.
therefore, my poor kids get the brunt of it, my opinions, life issues, etc. they are growing up so fast. i am really proud of how far they have come since Aug. I am also proud of myself if i can be so blod as to say that. i have grown up alot too.
my life is not the same as it once was....thats odd. i mean, its ok. i am happy and all, but i still feel like i am out of place. like this isnt where God wants me to be. or maybe its just not where I want to be. my heart is someplace else. that is horrible, but true. i never thought i would be sitting here in a parsonage a leader of a chuurch....
my heart is in this home in SeaGrove. I should be there teaching at a private school down there.
i think i never want to teach at a public school. i dont need all that freaking NCLB crap. money is nice, but being happy at a job is better. like, in a minute, would i go back to working at a place like visual design or cold stone? Heck yeah. i love my kids, but i love being irresponsible. you have to be in control in what i do. while i am totally silly all day long, i dunno, i had fun back then. no real worries like i do now-bil a ls and being good.... HA as if i do well with that.
we had a faculty meeting and it was addressed that theere may be opportunities to go to Bham for overnight conferences to get professional development hours that we all really neeed. we would all stay in a hotel or something, and about 3 teachers immediately spoke up and said " we are NOT rooming with mrs. conerly\!!! " i asked why, and their response = cause we think you would be the first to get us kicked out and arrested. :) that made me smile.
anyway, i saw others on here commenting and such and i thought, hey i should post. easter is in 3 days, so i am major busy. at least we have good Friday off. thats fabulous.
love love |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2007|02:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
if only you could see what I see. what would you see?
life goes by really quick. if you aren't careful, you could miss it. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|09:12 pm] |
i never have any money. i owe so much of that no existant $ to so many people, my house is NEVER clean (and that freaks me out), i am sick of school, i am sick of teaching shit that is so irrevelant to waht my kids are actually doing that it is pointless for me to even speak. i dont care and the kids dont care.
i am huge. i am outgrowing all my pants, so i am on the special k diet. no, i cant have anything. i eat 2 bowls of cereal a day and a piece of turkey at night.
ian's mere presence, well everyone in general piss me off. i need a break. i need to head to the beach ALONE for a weekend to sort out my life. after that, i think i would be ok, but i need a freaking break. i hate this all. i am so freakin sick of this bull crap college shit. if i were not so far along in school with one semester left, i would drop this freaking major. this is not worth it. i could be a secretary. in fact, to be honest, if jessica stayed working at Skeleton chirop. office, in a few years, she would end up makign more $$ a year than i would as a teacher who actually worked for a degree. does that piss me off? hell yes.
again, if i smoked, it would be one long chain of cigarettes. i am freaking outr so much my hair is falling out in clumps!! i have to clean mydrain at the end of the shower cause my hair is falling out so much it colgs it. do you know how upsetting that is? THEN folks want to be all in my case asking me whats wrong, what is your deal, why are you upset, etc? I mean, good LORD! do not focus on me is waht i want to say. i want to tell them folks who keep askign me this shit to get thier own damn lives in order and figure out where they are trying to go before they are all in my deal, putig their noses in my business. if i want their opioin on how i am running my life, finances, studies, etc, then i will freaking tell them. if not, why not leave me teh hell alone. i mean, DAMN> i hate this shit. i hate all this shit. work, class, money, i mean, damn!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need a fucking vacation? oh wait, is that fall break coming up that i could potentially take a fucking break? oh wait, whats that? hell no, suzy cant go out of fucking town? why? bc she sucks at life, has no money to leave freaking tuscallosa . not to mention, her boss is a shit head who decided he is leaving thursday, screewing her over for the homecoming game bc its "conveniernt for him" to take off, knowing i will fucking work ALL DAY ALONE.
i mean, shit. i am so tired of life. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so, that was my rant. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|01:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
one day, my life will not be quite so stressed. 15 lesson plans to do in a span of 3 days. 5 assessment,s a midterm, reflections, action research project and my 10 page paper i havent started. where the eff is the laminating machine? people say that "one day this will all be worth it." those people can suck it. no, no this isnt. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2006|09:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | in bed. not moving. | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the sounds of my pitiful groans and coughs | ] |
so sick. so very very sick. went to the UA game. so very sick.
whatever my 2nd graders have, i have. plus some. i have done nothing for the pst 3 days but sleep. it is ridiculous. i do not move and still hurt. it hurts to inhale. imagine how bad the game was. we won tho. that was nice. got to tailgate. so very sick. think im dying. house is a mess. no desire to clean. no enerdy to clean.
need to make lesson plans. nope.
DO NOT want to work tmrw. so sick. |
|
|
| indeed |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|03:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  geeky | ] |
good news
we finally booked smith hall to be the site of the weddding reception. its a simply fabulous buliding and space to have it in. not to mention the other perks.
waht are those perks, you might be asking yourself, well let me fill you in.
smith hall is a museum of natural history. what does that entail? that means that when friends are looking around at the pretty sflowers and taking pictures, what will be in the background? DEAD STUFFED ANIMALS! yes maam, thats right, i cant think of a more fitting place to host a reception that at a hall of death for animals. wahts that in the background of the bride adn grooms first dance? Oh, thats a picture of a hippo. What is that shadow over the main galley? OH, i see, its a killer whale sketetal system hanging from the rafters. I need to pose with someone. who? oh, how about the elephant skull or the stuffed lions. OH OH< the stuffed bear or hog looks like a winner! somehow, this fits :)
i think i will bring my little stuffed bass from the den wall there, you know, to make it more like home. :)
oh, and not to mention, the building is haunted. not everyone can feel it, but ideed, its haunted. you hear things. walking footsteps. creaking things. mainly in teh main galley as well as on the 3rd floor-the mezzanine. shannon will appreciate the hauntedness. i did.
so, wahoo for receptions. |
|
|
| i am remarkibly awake for 1Am |
[Aug. 17th, 2006|01:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  full | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ian snoring | ] |
so i just got done watching the 2 hour episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter's wedding. turns out, he wasnt officially married. but now he is. Did I cry while watching it? I sure did. seeing that wedding made me stress about mine, but it was awful cause on the day of his wedding, turns out, that Dog's daughter died. i mean, a day of joy and sorrow. But crap....poor thing.
anyway, yes i cried watching a TV wedding. you wanna fight about it? |
|
|
| my day sucks because: |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|04:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
why my day was worse than yours:
i got a speeding ticket at 9Am on my way to work ONLY because the cop said that he had to give tickets cause the councilman said the city needs money
this ticket will be 130$. paid in cash.
my tongue is white and swollen still from the gum. i like to chew gum when i have it. keeps me focused.
my feet hurt cause i wore the birks one day and that was a mistake.
my deposit was over from sat. night for work, so i had to go to the bank, pick it up, and redo it.
my car was out of gas this AM and i KNOW i had gas in there.
store is a mess. boxes still not all the way opened.
it took me an HOUR to take out all teh trash from the backroom due to NOONE believing they should take out trash.
the sandwich ian brought me was not very good. not real chicken....
i have NO money.
i have bills due at the same time books are needed to be bought and have no $ to do either
the regional manager kept calling me all day to talk about things not done which do not relate to me, but alas, i have to deal with them.
i amy not get the full raise i need.
i left work at 3, an hour later than i should, and after i got to comcast, i realized that jon called, saying i had o go back to the store to fill out some fax he sent me.
and i need groceries but have none
i want chocolate or cookies or somehting to make me happy, but we have none and no money to buy them
i am sweaty and gross and need a shower
i am tired.....ready to re-try this day again... :) |
|
|
| all is well |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|12:56 am] |
and thats good. work sucks, but hey, life is ok. got my book lists. i will pay out the ass for them. there are SOOOO many.
CBM is playing alot of shows. I am definately going to most of them. I am thirlled to no end about the Tuscaloosa Show! yes ma'am. if i had 500$ or alot of folks going in, i wold rent fred. that would be the highlight of my life for sure! i hope shan gets to come down for that one. Im excited abouthte bham show the night of her bday. it will be crazy cause when i drive back the next day, its UA homecoming! WOOOO
wedding stuff is coming. i feel like a real adult living with ian, sharing a house, rent, food. crazy. i get an allowance from him to but stuff we need since he carries cash. :) i get $ tmrw for jeans! yay.
sad about school beginning but glad to be teaching soon again! i am begining to forget how to use my teacher voice! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|11:01 pm] |
who's excited about moving? me me me i am!
tomoorrow is the day! so im happy we get to leave thie retched sherrill plaze for better horizons. ian has much packing to do. what i am doing? not helping.
i was gonna have more oral surgery/veneer, however, i cant afford it, so its canceled. i gotta pay for my other crap 1st. ian, since he is in finance, has taken my credit cards and decided that they must be paid....gah!
moving moving. all is welcome to come and help. we have alot of crap. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|09:20 pm] |
make it go away, just make it go away. please just make it go away. do not make me go through with it. i sincerely from teh bottom of my heart do not want to deal with it. i want it to go away. i want to run away, please make it go away. far far awary from sight and mind. make it leave me alone.
go away. worthless son of a bitch, fucking retard who helps me in no way. who does not think of my feelings or personal safety or statisfaction. fucker who does not think of anyone. bastard. i want it to go the fuck away. i do not want to fucking deal with it. maybe i wont show up. maybe i will run away to grayton beach. no one will find me in grayton. wouldnt tink to look for me there. i do not want this. i do not want this, i do not want this. so against this, in every manner. so terribly against this. vehininetly against it. will oppose at any chance i get. make it known to anyone who asks me. so against it. not for the reasons he thinks. bastard who cant see it. who doesnt listen to wht i have to say. not for the reasons you think. i want it to leave me alone. tis sucks. everything about it suycks. who has fun doing this? not me.!! waht fun is there? who ever has fun doing this is fucking retarded. there is no fun. there is misery yes, fun no. i am ready to just lie down and quit. i hate it all. i think i will jsut go to bed. |
|
|
| yea its my myspace blog, but i was lazy. |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|01:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
in reading this, you get the idea. im not being cynical. i am being honest. the thing about being honest in times like this is that noone wants you to be. makes them feel depressed. in turn you feel guilty for making them feel bad when all you di was to be honest. if you cant be honest, be fake is the bullet point to take away. noone needs to see a bride not be excited about getting married. htey need to see someone who is SOOO happy and in love and thrilled about the all white, so much fun in planning the big day crap. im not like that. never was. obviously, people think i should be, so i have to go along and fake it real well to make them happy, as this is what others are wanting. my wedding day my way? oh no. why the hell cant we just get married on OUR REAL anniversary 2-12? why? how the hell do i know. just cant. would make too much sense. so, in turn, another hard reality is that my anniversaery that i have kept and held on to for so long and loved and cherished as our special day will be null and void. great.
word to all those getting married.....begin your anti depressant prescriptions now before its too late. you will definately need it. effin wedding ceremony. effin 350 people attending. effin rediciouus amount of $ spent on this thing. eff.
getting closer. paying more people. getting more accomplished. do i still want the wedding? HELL NO.
folks keep saying that oh dont worry, you are nervous, you will get excited when the time comes or when its closer, etc. blah blah blah. couldnt be more wrong.
noone gets it. no one is listening to me. i seriously DO NOT want this wedding. I am fine with a very small intimate wedding in teh chapel with immediate family watching. THEN throwing my $ to have a great big and fun reception where everyone can be there. am i getting this, nope. instead, i have to divide all $ and the reception will indeed suck, as will the food. it is not at all waht i thought it would be.
the closer the wedding date gets, the sicker i am. noone believes me. i do not want everyone watching me walk the aisle alone. its bad enough that i do have to walk it alone, but now 350+ people are watching me do this. THEN the questions will be, well why suzy....where is gregg suzy? why didnt he walk you down suzy...etc....ESP. if he shows up. he has no part. that is embarassing for us both. I dont need to be embarassed infront of 350+ people. looks like i will be though. i hate being center of attention. i am too self conscious for that. i do not want this i do not want this i do not want this.
i still have to have it cause its waht ian wants. i mean ,i guess its a good idea in teh long run. you know, ian says this is a once in a life time thing, so do it right and make it meaningful. nice to think that, but this is not the condition i am in. it dont work like that for me. i guess that is why he is the one paying for all this, and i havent put forth anything to rent the church. nor will i. i refuse based on teh sole purpose that i am NOT paying for something i dont want. so he is paying for the santuary that is 200 fucking dollars to rent. for cripes sake, i am a member and i have to PAY to use my own church?!?! then PAY MOREto rent the chitwood hall for the reception. It should be rent one, get one free. again, i am paying nothing for these facilities as i am morally against it.
i am moreally against the wedding. oh, i will do the good thing, smile, nod, laugh, look excited. i want to puke. i seriously want to elope. noone listens!! we have been together for too long to make this a cute little exciting event. everyone knows it will happen. everyone knew this was coming. noone wants to see us get married, they really want to just come to the reception. sorry, no alcohol. so i guess that rules out a few folks.
there is no excitement. maybe it will come soon. however. i am thinking not. i dont want to deal with all this crap. we are practically married anyway. what is the point of paying tons of $ to SHOW off to everyone.
effing mney. effin wedding i am against.
do you get the idea i do NOT NOT NOT want the wedding. its not that i dont want to get married to ian, heck no! i just dont want 350+people seeing me in a horribly intimate moment that we shold be sharing only us and immediate family. that is no business of theirs.
damn. i need my effexor. i probably should begin taking a regular dose now, closer the date gets. maybe that will help me deal with the wedding and all that crap. i sound so horrible nad negative about the thing...and i am. somehting every girl is supposedto dream about, and i am not looking forward to it. i guess it is just the home life. this sucks. |
|
|
| wedding in 11 months and 24 days |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|01:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
SO yay to having the wedding coming up pretty soon. its sneaking up on alot of us.
i have actually picked out the bridemaids dresses. ick. they arent bad tho.
i need everyone's mailing address if you want a formal written invitation. I am posting this now bc folks tend to want to procrastinate. If you do NOT give me a mailing address that you can be reached at a yr from now to send invites and all to, then you most likely will only get an e-vite. very tacky, but a must when inviting lg. groups of people. Take for instance, my graduating class. NO need to waste 32 invited on those who may not come, much less give me some adress. So, they get e-vites. classy but a must in my situation.
happy to be moving soon. glad of that. one step closer to being AWAY from all this crap and moving on in our lives. way ready. AHHHHH.
so, im getting ready for work. wish it would catch fire. that would be nice. ++ alas___ |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|02:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
i feel so dissatisfied. i dont know what is the matter with me. i really feel as though, somethihing is missing. i dont knwo what. something is.
i know i should be up doing more important things. i dont care. my lack of enthusiasm really speaks loudly i guess. i really am apathetic.
something feels wrong. something isnt fitting. i dont know what it is. i think i miss someone. it doesnt matter though. not really. there is nothing i can do about it.
why cant i be just normal. why do the chemicals alter. i proably should be taking the meds. prolly. i wont and i know it.
know waht i think it is....no, you dont. i bet i know. it's horrible though. i want what i cant have. its the thrill of the game. not to do anything with. just the thrill of can i? once i know i can, then waht? lead them on? no. im not interested in all that. use them? no. i am not like that. what then? thats it isnt it? just to see if i can. well, looking at my self now-no. i cant. have you seen me? i weight in at more in my life now that ever. can i still? no. do i still have it? no.
its like, without all taht, i feel meaning less. bad way to live your life, if i say so. is this what God calls me?? Is this what he is prooud of? no. i desire to be lke him, but my actions dont show that.
where is tne newness. i dont know.
my mom and i were talking about the wedding. showers and stuff. all the different types of showers and themes and stuff. i just show up. anyone who wants to throw one can, i guess. be my guest. i'll come.
i am changing the dresses for the girls. i dont wanna, but this will aid i think. i'll pick one out. i guess. it will be cheap tho! seriously. everyone will have the same style or something. i dont know. i dont really care.
where is my whirlwind romance like JUne Carter? I want that. its like, you can just see they were made for each other. you just kow God set them aside to be together for each otehr. I wonder if she in her heart knew that all along. i wonder....i dont know tho.
i really think it is just the chemicals. i bet thats it. just a shower and then to bed. i might make alterations. only high up. sneaky.
i feel sleepy and not all here. i am rambling. i cant not focus. my mind is on a billion things. my heart is someplace else. i think i will run away to San Francisco, find Darren, and marry him. I love him. it's like, you always know when you see him. i ahve never met him, but its like i saw a new pic or something, and it was like, my heart just went out, and i was like, head over heels for him again. A man, i dont even know. thts sad. i think i am going to, no lie, name my 1st child after him. Michael Darren. No. Mattimore must be in tehre. Darren Michael-Mattimore. i am all about hyphenated names. seriously, i knwo i would do that to my child. give him some obnoxiously hard name to learn to say, spell and write.
i guess i am glad i am not doing my very important dossier. if i ere, then i know for sure there would be much rambling and no sense making. rambling is theraputic, i think. always was for me back in those days. wow. seems like such a long time ago.
i wonder if travis is comig home during teh summer? doenst matter. i doubt i wold see him. not that it would bother him. i mean, during xmas, i didnt see himn. i highly doubt he was distraught about it. i was. seriously was. i mean, but even still. if i did see him, how would i react. its like, i dont know, i would think i would feel akward since i duno, its like i am not part of that world ne more. i dont see anyone EVER. and then all of a sudden, boom, here i am. once he leaves, its like, yeah, well. we all go back nad dont see each other for months. i see ian. thats it. noone else. some people i dont really wanna see. some i miss terribly. horribly miss. like, i am tearing up at the thought of missing them. some i know i cant do anything abut. some, i know its pointless. some i dont care. some dont care aout me. i think a big part is the whole wedding thing. i think that really messes with people. you tell them u are getting married and flash the ring, nad then people seem to just turn away. like, you are branded. i think it has always been that way for me and ian, a little bit deep down anyway. not that we made it easier for others. i mean, we always sorta self isolated ourselves. we didnt mind tho. i mean, we were and still are really, each others world. are we best friends bc of choice or is it because of we see each other all the itm,e nad it just works out that way. there is a thrill that is long gone. why. i want to know why. noone has the answer for me. those who think they do, i dont care to listen to it. we have always done our own thing. always. but there again, i have ALWAYS done my own thing to, no questions asked. some i am not prooud of. some i wont discuss. some, well, they just happen. the ones that jsut happen are razy. seriously crazy. i am thankful for the opportunity i have to be that crazy.
isnt that bad. i mean, i know, and others know some of the crazy, out there crap i do. right. and its like, no one thinks anything about i. it happens, they know it, they move on. shoudnt someone disapprove or something. no. if so, noone says anything. thats good too i guess. i mean, there is no telling what all i have done and dont recall.....or dont want to.
how many peiople have i hurt in the past. i know quite a bit. at the time tho for whatever reason, i guess i had a good one. i dont know. again i think this is an incessant ramble. this is like, ADD crap or something. i think when something happens and in my mind i have it planned and know and think it will go a certain way, but it doesnt...its like, it screws with me. like icant handle it or something. i dont know why. then when that happend, i freak out. not that you can tell i freak out-like others i know, when they freak out, you definately know. but like, mentally i am flipping out. i am used to hiding things well and being that actress and wearing tat mask. so most people dont know. but its like, when that happends, i am losing it mentally. my seratonin drops as well as noraphenephrin. great. then i ramble and lose it. not that i have lost it now, mind you, but like, i feel like i could. maybe this is a sign of a breakdown or something. maybe i am seriously losing and haveing a mental break down. mayne this is waht happens with no rest, and 10 hours at wrok. crazy dumb and pointless work. there is no point to my job. i mean, i serve no point in being there. nothing is accomplished. i am jsut paid to stand. i feel useless. i feel withdrawn. i do not want to be touched. i cant stand being grabbed at. i rarely speak to people anymore.
i think the worst is i am self withdrawing from the world. i dont want to withdraw from everyone, but its just happening. i feel likle there is nothing i can do. i dont knwo waht to do really. it feels like you are standing in a well and screaming at the top of your lungs nad tehre is noone there to hear you. noone. like, if people just showed up unannounced, i wouldnt know what to do with them, but it may be the only saving grace i have to not withdrawing from everyone. what is wrong with me. i htink i am jsut having a bad night. that damn grasshopper got me all screwed up. freaking bugs.
i feel drained nad really sleepy by the end of this. i am sure by tmrw if i look, i will be amazed at how much i wrote. its good for me tho. really. i need a shower and to slepp. i hope to feel better n the AM. brookwood ho. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|02:06 am] |
|
the cowboy mouth show is the 5th |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|12:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | there is none. nothing. my head hurts. | ] |
i feel so dissatisfied. i dont know what is the matter with me. i really feel as though, somethihing is missing. i dont knwo what. something is.
i know i should be up doing more important things. i dont care. my lack of enthusiasm really speaks loudly i guess. i really am apathetic.
something feels wrong. something isnt fitting. i dont know what it is. i think i miss someone. it doesnt matter though. not really. there is nothing i can do about it.
why cant i be just normal. why do the chemicals alter. i proably should be taking the meds. prolly. i wont and i know it.
know waht i think it is....no, you dont. i bet i know. it's horrible though. i want what i cant have. its the thrill of the game. not to do anything with. just the thrill of can i? once i know i can, then waht? lead them on? no. im not interested in all that. use them? no. i am not like that. what then? thats it isnt it? just to see if i can. well, looking at my self now-no. i cant. have you seen me? i weight in at more in my life now that ever. can i still? no. do i still have it? no.
its like, without all taht, i feel meaning less. bad way to live your life, if i say so. is this what God calls me?? Is this what he is prooud of? no. i desire to be lke him, but my actions dont show that.
where is tne newness. i dont know.
my mom and i were talking about the wedding. showers and stuff. all the different types of showers and themes and stuff. i just show up. anyone who wants to throw one can, i guess. be my guest. i'll come.
i am changing the dresses for the girls. i dont wanna, but this will aid i think. i'll pick one out. i guess. it will be cheap tho! seriously. everyone will have the same style or something. i dont know. i dont really care.
where is my whirlwind romance like JUne Carter? I want that. its like, you can just see they were made for each other. you just kow God set them aside to be together for each otehr. I wonder if she in her heart knew that all along. i wonder....i dont know tho.
i really think it is just the chemicals. i bet thats it. just a shower and then to bed. i might make alterations. only high up. sneaky.
i feel sleepy and not all here. i am rambling. i cant not focus. my mind is on a billion things. my heart is someplace else. i think i will run away to San Francisco, find Darren, and marry him. I love him. it's like, you always know when you see him. i ahve never met him, but its like i saw a new pic or something, and it was like, my heart just went out, and i was like, head over heels for him again. A man, i dont even know. thts sad. i think i am going to, no lie, name my 1st child after him. Michael Darren. No. Mattimore must be in tehre. Darren Michael-Mattimore. i am all about hyphenated names. seriously, i knwo i would do that to my child. give him some obnoxiously hard name to learn to say, spell and write.
i guess i am glad i am not doing my very important dossier. if i ere, then i know for sure there would be much rambling and no sense making. rambling is theraputic, i think. always was for me back in those days. wow. seems like such a long time ago.
i wonder if travis is comig home during teh summer? doenst matter. i doubt i wold see him. not that it would bother him. i mean, during xmas, i didnt see himn. i highly doubt he was distraught about it. i was. seriously was. i mean, but even still. if i did see him, how would i react. its like, i dont know, i would think i would feel akward since i duno, its like i am not part of that world ne more. i dont see anyone EVER. and then all of a sudden, boom, here i am. once he leaves, its like, yeah, well. we all go back nad dont see each other for months. i see ian. thats it. noone else. some people i dont really wanna see. some i miss terribly. horribly miss. like, i am tearing up at the thought of missing them. some i know i cant do anything abut. some, i know its pointless. some i dont care. some dont care aout me. i think a big part is the whole wedding thing. i think that really messes with people. you tell them u are getting married and flash the ring, nad then people seem to just turn away. like, you are branded. i think it has always been that way for me and ian, a little bit deep down anyway. not that we made it easier for others. i mean, we always sorta self isolated ourselves. we didnt mind tho. i mean, we were and still are really, each others world. are we best friends bc of choice or is it because of we see each other all the itm,e nad it just works out that way. there is a thrill that is long gone. why. i want to know why. noone has the answer for me. those who think they do, i dont care to listen to it. we have always done our own thing. always. but there again, i have ALWAYS done my own thing to, no questions asked. some i am not prooud of. some i wont discuss. some, well, they just happen. the ones that jsut happen are razy. seriously crazy. i am thankful for the opportunity i have to be that crazy.
isnt that bad. i mean, i know, and others know some of the crazy, out there crap i do. right. and its like, no one thinks anything about i. it happens, they know it, they move on. shoudnt someone disapprove or something. no. if so, noone says anything. thats good too i guess. i mean, there is no telling what all i have done and dont recall.....or dont want to.
how many peiople have i hurt in the past. i know quite a bit. at the time tho for whatever reason, i guess i had a good one. i dont know. again i think this is an incessant ramble. this is like, ADD crap or something. i think when something happens and in my mind i have it planned and know and think it will go a certain way, but it doesnt...its like, it screws with me. like icant handle it or something. i dont know why. then when that happend, i freak out. not that you can tell i freak out-like others i know, when they freak out, you definately know. but like, mentally i am flipping out. i am used to hiding things well and being that actress and wearing tat mask. so most people dont know. but its like, when that happends, i am losing it mentally. my seratonin drops as well as noraphenephrin. great. then i ramble and lose it. not that i have lost it now, mind you, but like, i feel like i could. maybe this is a sign of a breakdown or something. maybe i am seriously losing and haveing a mental break down. mayne this is waht happens with no rest, and 10 hours at wrok. crazy dumb and pointless work. there is no point to my job. i mean, i serve no point in being there. nothing is accomplished. i am jsut paid to stand. i feel useless. i feel withdrawn. i do not want to be touched. i cant stand being grabbed at. i rarely speak to people anymore.
i think the worst is i am self withdrawing from the world. i dont want to withdraw from everyone, but its just happening. i feel likle there is nothing i can do. i dont knwo waht to do really. it feels like you are standing in a well and screaming at the top of your lungs nad tehre is noone there to hear you. noone. like, if people just showed up unannounced, i wouldnt know what to do with them, but it may be the only saving grace i have to not withdrawing from everyone. what is wrong with me. i htink i am jsut having a bad night. that damn grasshopper got me all screwed up. freaking bugs.
i feel drained nad really sleepy by the end of this. i am sure by tmrw if i look, i will be amazed at how much i wrote. its good for me tho. really. i need a shower and to slepp. i hope to feel better n the AM. brookwood ho. |
|
|
| i just ate firehouse. my tummy is happy! i love it.another addiction. its the only healthy thing i e |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|06:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  refreshed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Xmen game is as LOUD as Ian can get it.. | ] |
So....the cowboy mouth show is the 5th. who wants to go with me? I need someone to be in the car when i drive up there, as i suck at driving and serisouly do NOT want to go alone. i think paige is going with me, but she freaks out in the car worse than i do.
any takers?
i just put on finger nail polish...as usual, three seconds later, i can almpost have it all chipped off. its like a compulsion.
i wish it were may and i was getting ready for the beach. i need a break. the summer will be really long tho....with no classes and the beach happening in the beginning. i tink i will have to really really take a weekend trip down there or something....i need to do a comprehension lesson for my kids. someone else can type that for me...that would be super. |
|
|
| happy easter! |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|09:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | beautiful mess | ] |
Happy easter.
Glad i didnt have to work today and got to spend time with the other fam. it was nice....really. i love all teh gossip i hear from VA about life and all....yeah....nice.
i need a dog. after spending the day with potter...yeah. a dog is def. waht i need.
the sunrise service went nicely. i didnt mind so much. cheerful. good thing me and God get along, otherwise, well who kows.
sad day its easter and no chocolte. really sucks. really. the easter bunny didnt see me today. that was kinda sad, but i guess that is where ian the money fairy comes in and gives me cash to spend on the florist. so, that was my easter. i will be thankful later. my pound cake actually was edible, nad most people seemed to enjoy it, although i have no idea what nutmeg is and didnt add it to the cake. i used cinamon instead.
i slept for most of the afternoon once we got home, which was really the evening. went to the dr. the other day too. i got 2 shots in my butt. ouch. and i got 3 Rx that im not filling bc i need to buy B.C and not antibiotics. so oh well. if they were cheap, i would. but i know they wouldnt be, and so i cant buy them. i am out of meds....so if i get a chance i will buy offbrand over the counter. but until then, oh well. still sneezing and sinus crap.
i need to work. get owrk done. i am super lazy. id rather be aslepp. or in the shower. or both. i really dont care. glad i dot have class tomorrow. that is a relief.
and i go to the zoo with my kids friday. that wil be alot of fun! yay! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2006|12:05 am] |
shannon, are you coming to the crawfish boil on friday 5/5??
the gates open at 5 pm, and cowboy mouth is set to go on at 7:30 but can be sooner....2 bands are on before them. 2 more come after.....
are yoiu coming?
i am taking paige with me, and hoping ian can go, and i dont know how to get there. ugh. will be scary driving by myself. i dont know...ugh. byut i have to go! dammit! AHHH! so should yoyu! |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
shirl002's journal
productive